On the Brink of Crazy

I thought I lost my mind today

It may have been yesterday

Or even years ago

My mind melted like a crimson waxy crayon over the top of a heater

I think it could be a quarter century life crisis

Who has heard of such a thing

Is it the economy, lack of jobs, flailing politicians or crumbling infrastructure?

Our ideals that once made us prosper are changing as quickly as the climate

Winter Never came this year, and although its only february and there is still time

The lake behind my house never froze over and it was 60 degrees today

Also for some unknown reason

After not communicating for two months after being told I went "Splat"

Because there is no net in the final act to catch me when I fall

last night I still decided to call my ex boyfriend and I in no way regret that decision

Why would one do this?

Well for some reason it seemed like in my new reign of sobriety... If your just finding me and couldn't tell from some of my hubs this is my outlet where I go when I feel as though I may explode, and even with this at times I still do. I am inconsistent and some times obscenely out of line but at the same time a sweetheart and someone who works great with people. I could change lives when I'm my positive bubbly self. Yet lately I feel as though I have an alias. A scared girl who still wonders why her mother never loved her and who has fed that anger to the point where alcohol was the only way out. So there came two seperate personas and one eventually began to take over the other. Bad decisions were made and relationships that could have been wonderful were severed. Luckily the ones that mattered were saved; in addition, new people have found there way into my life adding a little bit of lemony zest. I finally am realizing as my birthday is quickly approaching that I wanted to utilize my talents.

Why is everyone so greedy to the point where we have manifested a mindset that tells us everything can just be upgraded. Marketing runs on it, especially sales. Grocery stores are set up so the aisles when we check out are filled with little impulse buys or guilty pleasures like a chocolaty snack (hello why aren't there carrots if obesity is a problem??!!) Certain colors induce different feelings and can coax a buyer into the sale. We buy into this idea that things shouldn't be fixed or relationships shouldn't put the time and effort in that is sometimes necessary. We upgrade cell phones, cars, houses, people, friends, social settings and we are constantly feeding into our greed and obsessions to constantly need more. We feed into lust and jealousy and then wonder how the world became the way it is today. Half of my friends are alcoholics or can start a sentence with "I'm such a ( insert drinking name of shame here).... I can't believe I ( did/said/fell on face) that last night was like so rad... shaa broo". Now this is a bit of an exaggeration but the amount of money, time and effort or jobs that have almost been lost because of excessive drinking indicated this problem be handled.

It sucks to have to relearn how to do things and not be jealous people don't have the same struggle. The thing is everyone struggles, and instead of seeing those around us as a threat or becoming envious we need to offer encouragement. Even the so called perfect person who we may envy has their faults or things that make them terribly unhappy at times, no one is cut loose of self pity or wishing for more, so why don't we try to be there for one another instead of add to the already out of control fire. For us to enhance as a society we should use these experiences to build camaraderie and be more of a collectivists culture.

However, here in America we claim to run on independence, which is great in some respects. Combined with the technological advances however it has made us narcissistic, egocentric and childlike, don't forget our new sense of selfishness and incapability to resume a state of empathy for those around us ( I know from experience). This is what I feel the problems are that need attention, partially because these are the challenges and questions I struggle with and seem to witness in others as well. Why are so many addicted and how do those who want to help avoid situations and stimuli that lead to feelings that induce withdrawal symptoms learn to move on and break old habits. I am a psychology major and am fascinated by what occurs in ones brain to trigger the specific choices we make.

How can we acknowledge our flaws yet continue making the same mistakes like a broken record. Why is it easier to be fearful? Why are people now-days more comfortable being the victim? How are these questions not being studied more in depth?The problems that we face as a society are due to a lack of respect for one another and ourselves. We care about others but often at a selfish level, people are weighed out like options, an equation determining what the pros and cons are. This doesn't suggest friendships and altruism do not exist but simultaneously we choose to bring people into our life who make us smile and make us happy and whom we like to see happy as well. In its own way this is a selfish act; although not necessarily a destructive one.

Whatever the reasons are I would like to know why people hold on to habits that they know hurt themselves or others around them, whether on an emotional, physical or indirect level. How do we love so strongly it hurts and yet hate so easily at times. There has to be answers and Im sure each and everyone of you has an idea, so where do we start? Is it the politicians who need to prevail, or will it come down to the people eventually rising up together and overthrowing the brewing tyranny? History has a tendency to repeat itself unless we learn from it, what are we waiting for?